While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
