My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
