Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
