ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
