At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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