How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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