Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My vagina is very pro this idea
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
