He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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