dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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