you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is wine microwaveable?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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