we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize