How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
