someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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