I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
