I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
