Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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