I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
