So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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