Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
