You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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