I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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