I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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