Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
