the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I have fence marks all over my body
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
