I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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