A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
