why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
