WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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