you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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