What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
