mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
