I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
