Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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