He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
