When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
These tits shall not be calmed
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
