Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
lets start a swedish sibling band together
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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