I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
