who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
