i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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