Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
