Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
