am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
