Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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