I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
