1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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