I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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