saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
