u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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