Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
