Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
