Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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