Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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