After last night, I could never be a politician.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
