He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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