Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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