I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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